Johnstone’s Paint Trophy… a potted history

The Johnstone’s Paint Trophy has a long and mostly illustrious history. Starting in 1907 it originally started as a Fencing competition for Victorian Ophans from all over England. The structure of the tournament was set early… orphans, being notoriously short of money and therefore unable travel even on the pre-Beeching Railway system, were grouped into regional and area rounds. The final saw north meeting south champion orphans in a field just outside Coventry.

Unfortunately this didn’t take off, mostly in part to the Victorian period ending in 1901. Secondly the public’s tolerance of orphans stabbing each other with swords was woefully overestimated even in the cruel, cruel past.

However unperturbed from these tentative steps the Johnstones Paint Trophy has run the full gamut of sports starting with Stoat Chasing (1909-27); Log Rolling (1928-39); Rugby League (1945-1969) and latterly Las Vegas Foxy Boxing (1970-2005).

It wasn’t until 2007 and the death of the UK’s van manufacturing industry that the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy found a permanent home in the heart of the lower league football calendar by taking over the LDV Trophy nee Auto Windscreen Trophy nee Freight Rover Trophy.

Here is an array of paint stats:
• The Johnstone’s Paint Trophy itself is known as the Gilded Paint Can. It is, well… a gilded paint can with diamond studded handle. Jimmy-ing open the top with a screwdriver will release paint in the winning teams colours. How does it know who will win? It is the mystery of the [gilded] can.
• Johnstone’s have been providing excellence in paint from 1890. Prior to this the company was content with being slightly above average in paint.
• In keeping with its Victorian origins the only colour available for its first 50 years was black. This changed in 1932 with the introduction of “White”.
• Johnstone’s Paint sell 15,000 different colours of paint. At least one member of Beesy has a background in art and frankly doubts there are that many colours in the world.
• The first Johnstone’s Paint Trophy was won by Doncaster.
• Carlisle is making their second visit in two years. Their lost to Southampton last year.
• According to the official Johnstone’s Paint Trophy website “The 2010 Football League Supporters’ Survey states that Johnstone’s Paint is only second to Coca-Cola in brand awareness”.

Ladies and gentlemen… The Johnstone’s Paint Trophy!

Our hobo hell

To what we would love to think is their eternal shame, Messrs Cort and Kabba have performed so appallingly this season that Beesy’s first home game joke about buying a hobo lunch if neither of them scored for a month has come to pass.

We would love to say this comes as a surprise to us, but in truth we’ve been planning how to buy a hobo lunch since, er, the second home game of the season.

So while we hope against hope that the loan window sees the arrival of at least one striker – assuming Charlie Mac is fit enough to resume full-time – your dutiful correspondents are left with the task of finding a homeless person who doesn’t bite for whom to buy lunch; very difficult when we can’t remember when Southend away is.

Here are some ground rules:

• Lunch will not be bought anywhere we have to pay a cover.
• Lunch has to be bought away from where either of us live, work or occasionally travel, as we certainly don’t want a reputation as buyers of food for homeless types.
• Homeless person must not swear at/threaten to kill us prior to the purchase of lunch.
• Main only, by which we mean perhaps a sandwich and a bag of crisps.
• Centrepoint don’t like our bet. At all.
• Which is pretty fucking ungrateful if you ask me, they could just pocket the money and tell us they bought a hobo lunch. The whole point of using Centrepoint was so that we’re as far away as possible from the hobo.
• The hobo will get food, not cash, so no booze or heroin.
• Watch this space for the new expanded Cort, Kabba and Weston bet…

Hobo Wager Appeal – Find us a Hobo

In what is now appearing increasingly like a foolhardy wager the Hobo is still winning in the “Kabba/ Cort goalscoring lunch off” and is no doubt polishing up his proverbial eating spoon as you read this.

What’s this about… well going here and here will show you the story so far but with only Charlton standing in the hobo’s way Beesy now has to face the unpalatable prospect of having to go without lunch (or just buying our own).

And with this in mind Beesy now needs you to help.

Not knowing any actual homeless persons as such we are looking any nominations for what I have so far not called Hobo-Factor.

• Are you homeless?
• Do you have any family members/ friends living under a bridge*/ doorway of the body shop/ in a skip?
• Are your homeless friends and intimates interested in food?

Now if the answer to any of these is yes get in touch

Now obviously we want this lunch going to someone who will benefit from it, so y’know no crazy people, or smack addicts etc. Hobos with special skills… like playing the kazoo or tap dancing will be prioritised.

Beesy also reserves the right to pick our own hobo for lunch or alternatively lob a sandwich at someone as they sleep.

In conclusion… for the love of god (and lunch) please please start scoring Cort and Kabba.

Next update: What do Hobos eat?

*Not including Trolls who as we all know are meant to live under bridges

Benham to buy second hand car

Man o’ means Matthew Benham has bought a second hand car from neo-Soviet collective Bees United, and he will allow BU to keep the car for five years and hit it with spanners if they want to.

Under the terms of the deal Benham will spend a small fortune in each of the next five years repairing dents in the car while BU remain in charge of the vehicle – and the spanners. At the end of the five years Benham can decide whether he still wants the car or not.

Industry insiders speculate that while BU wanted to take the car off the previous owner – who intended to strip it down for parts – its purchase plan was soon revealed to be a work of fantasy based on unrealistic performance figures meaning that the car’s future hinged entirely on having a new garage built for it at the expense of unspecified others, with the new garage in turn subsidising the running costs of the car through unspecified ways, which were rumoured to involve leprochauns.

The vehicle was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press, however a BU source stated it was “relieved”.

Wager watch

The hobo is currently winning.

A gentlemanly wager

Team Beesy has entered into what can only really be described as a two horse sweepstake on which striker scores first: this correspondent has Carl Cort; the other has Steve Kabba. A pub lunch rests on it. If neither scores after a month we buy a homeless person a lunch (not a pub lunch).

Bee today… gone tomorrow

Or what we found out when we google-d old players names.

Nostalgia is, in the main, nonsense. Music wasn’t better in sixties, you were younger, likewise your views on fashion, books, crime rates and the taste of vegetables will all be totally out of synch with reality in the same way your crazy Grandparents insistence that Count Bongo’s Big Band Orchestra is real music and that 63 doodads make a pound.

Now this is no doubt an odd way to begin an article subtitled “when we google-d old players names” and yes you would be right. But given that it was a slow day at work and I had free access to Google and Wikipedia the thought of what exactly is Eddie Hutchinson doing now, turned into how many players have moved on in Kevin O’Connor’s years at the club to what exactly is the prospect of player’s future careers, what can the current crop look forward to? These questions may be answered at a later date but for now lets pick an abitrary team at random (sort of) and lets hope none of them have been involved in low level Criminality and all are in the Premiership.

Or at least have done something funny.

Setting the scene the first season Beesy came into existence (2003-4) saw the early coverage of a Brighton visit to Griffin Park. Brentford went on to secure a thumping 4-0 win over the recently relegated Seagulls with then Beesy Custodian C missing two early goal thanks to Transport for London. The match itself represented something of the high water mark for then manager Wally Downes and by the time of the return leg Wally’s grasp on the position was to prove untenable and a new era under Martin Allen was due to begin.

So, the players…

Paul Smith – Smith has always baffled Beesy by how damn popular he is. Apparently we are wrong and the terms strange and baffling should not be used to describe his career. Currently bench warming at Nottingham Forest he first left the club to act as Anti Niemi’s understudy at Southampton. Left for Nottingham Forest Smith has faced Brentford several times in his career, often conceding goals.

Joel Kitimarike – Journeyman Right Back or drug related criminal?? The British Criminal Justice system decided in Nov. 2008 when it convicted the former Chelsea, Brentford, Dundee, Colombus Crew (in the MLS), Fisher Athletic and Weymouth “player” to 20 months in the jail for possession of Class A drugs. Presumably now turning out for HMP Slade.

Michael Dobson – Ever dreamed of a former professional footballer getting you into shape… well here’s your chance. Dobbo was exiled North after leaving Brentford joining Walsall, presumably because he enjoyed playing underneath a Motorway. After a reasonably successful time in which he helped them secure promotion back to League One he through a curveball, jacked it all in and started his own business.

Now I like Dobbo so here’s a plug… www.flexercise.com he also offers Premier Massage at competitive rates.

Ibu Sonko – Reading then Stoke. Possibly the only ex Bee in the Premier League if Stephen Hunt doesn’t move to Hull (which lets face it probably isn’t the best career move).

Matt Somner – Astonishingly still a footballer carving out a niche for himself in the midlands with Mansfield. I think watched him on Setanta last year. He wasn’t very good.

Stephen Hunt – Presuming he doesn’t join Hull Stephen Hunt’s star is still in the ascendancy. But then you know that already. The first thing Hunt did upon finding himself surplus to requirements in Allen-era Brentford was grow a frankly ridiculous mane of hair. Rumoured to be the source of his new found footballing talent he is guaranteed to be the most successful former Bee of his era until he succumbs to scissors (or joins Hull).

Jay Tabb – Oh, you know he’s at Reading.

Eddie Hutchinson – Now at Crawley Town, Eddie took his multi-faceted head and joined Oxford in 2006. Staying there long after manager Darren Pattinson got fed up of him, his “sticktoitness” (it’s a word) earn’t him a recall when John Smith took over. I saw him on Setanta, he was alright. In hindsight maybe he should have gone to Barnsley when they came in for him in his final year at Brentford. But still who can forget his elaborate cross pitch run against Colchester the year of the Great Escape or his shinning it in past Paul Smith in the Southampton Cup Replay

Ben May – Hang on… What? Ben May was fined for stealing bathroom fittings from B & Q with Glenn Johnson?

I know that sounds unlikely, what with Glenn Johnson being a millionaire and all but its on the BBC website so it must be true.

Anyway still goal shy but now at Scunthorpe. Hopefully has enough taps now.

Kevin O’Connor – The Grey Goose himself. The only one still at Brentford; which says a lot. I will of course let you decide exactly what it says. Interesting to note looking at the players in the team I’m guessing this was The Grey Goose playing up front.

Tony Rougier – Still Plays!! Astonishingly enough. Bristol City took on Rougier after Martin Allens arrival before my personal favourite USA team the Rochester Rhinos signed him up. But the A-League proved unappreciative of Rougier and his madcap wingplay and he moved back to Trinidad laterly with FC South End.

The Rochester Rhinos mascot is a man dressed up as a big old Rhino. It looks superb.

Subs

Josh Lennie – What do you do after you play for AFC Harrow? Why you become a Sales and Marketing Executive. Lets face it our club is shocking for bringing on young keepers. Josh joined AFC Wimbledon after his spell at Brentford before a string of local clubs.

Stephen Evans – Suffering from a heart condition while at Brentford former Beesy favourite Evans dropped down to the conference with Woking and later Crawley Town.

More surprising he then joing the Premier League… the League of Wales Premier League. Still its nice to know he’s still playing/ living.

Jay Smith – Was/ maybe even is at Havent and Waterlooville. I kind of vaguely remember him starting a fitness company with Lloyd Blackman (remember him?) but I may be getting mixed up with another shambolic player from the early Beesy days, maybe Dean Wells.

Andy Frampton – Fampton came alive after leaving Brentford cementing a place in the Millwall first team.

Competent rather than inspiring Frampton best game was the frankly bizarre match at Rotherham where literally everything went through him. Which may explain why/ how we bottled promotion during Allen’s final season.

Mark Peters – QPR leveller aside Peters proved to be an enigma at Griffin Park. Having completely gone off the radar since turning out for Gosport Town it appears he may have fallen into the abyss never to be seen again.

So what have we learnt? Well frankly not too much. That the conversion to young player to seasoned professional player isn’t high? Maybe. That the third division is no place to learn your trade as a young footballer? Probably. Or that maybe playing for Brentford is a tortuous way to further your career? Undoubtedly.